I am cautious about supporting any political movement, but there is one I could whole-heartedly get behind: the return of politeness to our culture and political conversation.
Let’s step away from politics for a moment into something more accessible: our everyday lives. I was (once again) trying to help the kids be polite to each other, and I realized: rudeness is usually a result of pride. I budge, or name-call, or bicker with you because I think my way is better than yours. I think I am smarter, more informed, and more important than you. The words I use with you reflect that attitude.
This is true even if my rudeness is a result of a short night’s sleep or a difficult day. While I have to remember to be sympathetic with myself and others in those scenarios, the root attitude remains the same: I think my feelings and my circumstances are more important than how I am treating you.
Politeness, on the other hand, reflects a mutual appreciation and respect. It reflects that you are made in God’s image (Genesis 5:1b), and you are much more valuable to Him than many sparrows (Matthew 10:31). It reflects humility: I don’t know everything, and it is very possible that you are going to teach me something that I never considered. It reflects the Golden Rule (Matthew 7:12). It’s how I’d like to be treated.
Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. (Matthew 7:12)
The Golden Rule is really an encapsulation of what I mean about being polite, though it encapsulates far more than just manners. Politeness isn’t about following Emily Posts’s Etiquette. Rules of behavior can be useful: they reflect cultural expectations of how people like to be treated. But they miss the heart of the issue: treating others like you’d like to be treated.
There are definite challenges to politeness in everyday life.
Growing up in Minnesota, I’m very familiar with “Minnesota nice.” Minnesota nice can be fantastic — but it can also be terrible, passive-aggressive deception. Politeness isn’t about keeping up appearances or avoiding necessary conflict. Politeness should always speak what is true, as long as it is useful and helpful (Ephesians 4:29). “Joe, you look stupid.” may, in fact, be true — but is rarely helpful. “Joe, I don’t think you are going to succeed as an advertisement for Levi’s.” might be exactly what Joe needs to hear, even if it hurts.
It’s easy to mistake verbal deference for politeness, when all we manage is obscuring our meaning. Asking “Would you like to hand me that dish?” seems accommodating — but do I actually care if you want to do any such thing?
Considerations of cultural expectation also come into play. The coasts of the North America tend to be much more direct in conversation than the Midwest — and, from what I hear, the Netherlands is even more direct. The specifics of politeness vary from culture to culture, but the heart issue — what do I think of you? — is the same.
Jesus was rude sometimes. “For you cross land and sea to make one convert, and then you turn that person into twice the child of hell you yourselves are!” (Matthew 23:15) Shocking language is occasionally useful to get a point across. It is only effective, however, when it is the exception, not the rule. More importantly, the heart issue remains: Jesus was aiming not to demean the religious leaders as much as to expose — to themselves! — their true motives. This is a far cry from how we use rudeness today in humiliating, vilifying, and dehumanizing those who do not see things exactly the same way we do.
Politeness does not imply moral rightness. History (and fiction!) abound with people who used good manners to further their own, often evil, ends.
Politeness does not imply that one is thinking well of others. I might be belittling you even if my manners don’t betray it!
In the realm of politics, slick politicians who (politely) say one thing and do another are well-known. Politeness doesn’t guarantee anything, in and of itself. On the flip side, rudeness — with the rare exceptions we’ve discussed already — almost always guarantees an unloving heart.
[A] tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. And among all the parts of the body, the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself. (James 3:5b-6)
The unloving attitude of rudeness is corrosive and contagious. It is nothing but a race to the bottom. By purporting to shown one’s own greatness, it tears down not only everyone else but yourself, as well. Everyone loses.
I’m not an influencer. I don’t have followers. But, maybe, if you are reading this, you can join me: practicing a little more politeness every day, with family, friends, and coworkers — even about politics.
(Thanks to my friend Robert and my wife Rita for reading drafts of this!)